The tour is being conceived as an eight-week whirlwind trip through laundrymats, bowling alleys, and office supply stores throughout the rural south. Ed is apparently convinced that this is where the band's audience is.
While working on the preliminary demos for Strap-On's new project, a disc being referred to as "The Big Fat Bag of Crack EP," the two reached an irreconcilable difference. It has been confirmed that Jourgensen wanted to expand his creative input to include playing not only middle C, but also C sharp. Ed is quoted as saying, "He's trying to take over the whole fucking band." What occurred after that argument is left largely to collective hearsay. The most common version is that, while arguing over this, Jourgensen threw an amp at Ed (Ed's scream may be sampled in an upcoming Ministry song), and that while Ed is in the hospital recovering, Jourgensen is suing for sole rights to the band name.
The live band is reportedly waiting out this difficult period getting drunk at a bar in Chicago. However, since this is what they are usually doing, it is unclear as to whether or not they are aware of the split.
The fate of the projected tour, as well as the Big Fat Bag of Crack EP, is uncertain at this point, and will most likely remain so until Jourgensen's suit is ruled on, Ed comes out of his coma, and the band sobers up.
Ed says he's planning on appealing the lawsuit once he can find a conscious attorney. Al is already planning Strap-On's next album (which may or may not be the long-rumored "Big Fat Bag o' Crack" EP). When asked about a timeline, he said, "Well, I'm gonna finish my ice tea, then I'm gonna watch Hill Street Blues, and maybe catch a nap. Then I'm getting in my car, stopping by Shell to fill it up, and then heading over to the studio to start work on it." As of this writing, Jourgensen is approximately 60% done with his ice tea. Projected release date is Christmas 2003, with a single possibly sometime in the fall of that year.
The live band--Roy Branagan and Angus McCarthy--were unavailable for comment at this time, as they're still at a bar in Chicago getting drunk.
In other news, the single for "Nothing Burn" is close to being released, and will feature, among other things, a new song called "Blasphemy."
Jourgensen, meanwhile, still intends to do Strap-On's next album solo. He is now most of the way through the TV show he wanted to watch before taking a nap, getting into his car, taking it to Shell, filling it up, driving to the studio, and getting to work on the album. He says he expects to be at least three-fourths of the way towards the door by the end of the week. The projected release date has been moved back to late summer 2009, with a single possibly sometime in 2006.
Unaffected by all this is the single for "Nothing Burn," which is expected to be out within a week or two. Rumor has it that it will feature, in addition to the b-sides "Blasphemy" and "Carlos Offended Me," a reworking of "Nothing Burn" called "Search, Destroy, and Burn Nothing," over which additional lawsuits have been filed by Front Line Assembly and KMFDM. Similar suits by Nine Inch Nails, the Cure, Sister Machine Gun, and Stabbing Westward are still pending.
Angus and Roy are still at a bar in Chicago. They're on their twelfth day of taking no sustenance other than beer and peanuts.
Reportedly, Ed is checking out the local bar band scene, and now says that Strap-On's next release will sound a lot like this cool Guns N' Roses cover band he saw last night. Bob, who had to ride on the roof of the van all the way down to Florida because Ed didn't believe he existed, is enjoying barbeque after barbeque of Wazerbowski sausages. Roy and Angus are, of course, at a bar getting drunk. Roy had apparently given up alcohol for symphony composition, but has suffered a relapse.
Al, meanwhile, is nearing the end of his nap, and is expected to be getting up to go to the car within the week, following which he needs to stop at the gas station, drive to the studio, and start on the new album. The album's production has hit an unexpected snag, though: Al needs to stop by and visit his grandmother on his way from the gas station to the studio, and he has hinted that he may be ordering a pizza before he begins writing. The album's release date has been pushed back to early 2012. Plans for a single have been shelved.
Also, Ed's countersuit is going to court this week. He's attempting to win back control of the band from Al. Al, in the meantime, is still on his way from the couch to his car. At present, before we see anything new from Strap-On, Al needs to fill up his gas tank, visit his grandmother, drive to the studio, and order a pizza. Yet another delay seems likely, due to the fact that when Al reaches his front porch he will discover that the new issue of Cosmopolitan has arrived, and he may intend to read it before beginning work on the album, or possibly even before ordering pizza. The projected release date has been pushed back yet again, this time to June 22nd, 2039. The Canadian release will not be until late 2042.
Roy: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit humbly for your approval this man--Ed. Robbed of his childhood by a cruel joke and people named Bob. Robbed of his dignity by a portly old scottish man who he met when he was drunk and accepted payment for sexual favors from. Robbed of his bootleg copy of "Clerks"--we're still trying to figure that one out. ROBBED of everything that ever meant anything to him! And now, ROBBED by a man--Al Jourgensen--who is not even at these proceedings here today!--of his one Great Dream! I submit, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a man broken by the cruelties of this world, with no solace other than Throbbing Gristle, Duran Duran, and one other, all-important thing: A dream called Strap-On. Don't let Al Jourgensen steal that dream from him.
The ruling was handed down early Monday morning, and as of now, Strap-On is the sole property of Ed. The live band--Roy Branagan, Angus McCarthy, and Bob Wazerbowski (even though Ed refuses to acknowledge his existence)--is 100% behind him. When asked what he was planning to do next, Ed announced that he wasn't stopping with Strap-On. He intends to sue Jourgensen for Ministry, Revolting Cocks, 1,000 Homo DJ's, Pailhead, Lard, and all his other side projects. "It's only fair," is all he has to say on the subject.
At the time of the ruling, Al was stopped at a corner picking up a newspaper, on his way to the gas station. He intended to get gas, visit his grandmother, drive to the studio, order pizza, read Cosmo, read the paper, and then begin work on the album. The release date had been pushed back to late 2134, with the Canadian release not expected before the final transmigration of the human soul, and thus put on "indefinite hiatus."
Ed, however, is already in the studio, along with Angus, Roy, and Bob, at work on the long-anticipated "Big Fat Bag o' Crack" EP, and a full-length album to follow, currently with the working title, "Uri Nation."
To lend credence to the murmurings about the Wendy's tour, Ed has been seen on numerous occasions in the past week munching on a Big Bacon Classic.
Meanwhile, Angus and Bob are investing an effort of almost mythical proportions to sober relapsed Roy up to act as Ed's attorney in his upcoming suit to gain control of Al Jourgensen's musical projects. So far, they've thrown him in Lake Michigan, tossed him out of an airplane with a parachute, and lit his feet on fire. Some progress has been made; his right arm is no longer moving entirely of its own accord.
Strap-On took the stage at around 9pm and launched straight into "Thorazine." The assembled crowd of industrial fans went wild (despite a few chanting "Al! Al! Al!"). Unfortunately, soon it became clear that the designated smoking section was not a large enough area to contain the pit, and so they rampaged out into the rest of the restaurant, killing an elderly couple who were enjoying a Frosty, several children, and the unfortunate employee who was mopping the floor.
An eyewitness reports, "It was horrible--the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. Bits of human flesh and bone mingled with hamburger meat and ketchup, flying around the room. I thought I was going to die. Sweet Jesus, I thought I was going to die!"
Dave Thomas finally came in personally to pull the plug, and, needless to say, the rest of the Wendy's tour has been cancelled. Thomas's comment on the situation was, "I asked my daughter Wendy what it was like in the pit. She said, 'It kicked ass, Dad. I jumped on this old dude and sucked his eyeballs out of their sockets and severed the optic nerves with my teeth.' I think that's good."
Ed was unavailable for comment. Angus and Bob are reported to be on depressive eating binges of haggas and sausage, respectively. It goes without saying, of course, that Roy Branagan is back in Chicago getting drunk.
Just as an aside, I'm not going to make any insinuations or anything, but from the video footage I've seen of the show, there seems to be a guy with black dreads and a beard, wearing sunglasses and a ten-gallon hat, inciting the crowd to rampage into the non-smoking section...