If so and so made toasters
from various Internet sources
- If IBM made toasters
- They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
toasters. The catchy ad campaign would be entitled "Toasters for a small
Planet" - a discussion with you and your dentist about IBM's incredible
success in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic Games.
- If Microsoft made toasters
- Everytime you bought a loaf of bread you would have to buy a
wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'll still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95%
of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets
you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
- If Apple made toasters
- It would do everything a Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
inexplicably never become a major market contender.
- If Xerox made toasters
- You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would get
and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
- If Radio Shack made toasters
- The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it,
have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the box. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
- If Oracle made toasters
- They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and that indeed
the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke.
- If Sun made toasters
- The toast would burn often, but you'd get a really good cup of Java.
- If Hewlett-Packard made toasters
- They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and
- If TRW Corporation made toasters
- It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would
have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for the box would be
highly classified Government documents. The X-Files would have an episode
- If Sony made toasters
- The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single
slice of bread it
is meant to toast can be conveniently attached to your belt, but you need to
buy a model for every variety of bread you need to toast.
- If Fisher Price made toasters
- "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
- If the Franklin Mint made toasters
- Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
- If Andersen Consulting made toasters
- It would be the first fully integrated holistic re-engineered
radical, interpersonal communicational wheat product leveraging visionary
offering toaster on the market coming without the risk of carbonation
degradation via an architecting process involving a conceptual design of
worldwide breadth helping to deliver domestic food services for
enterprise-wide value frameworks across the continuum of reorientation in an
impactful environment which is strategically based, industry focused,
aligned with your family's mission, vision, and core values.
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